I keep coming here, clicking the button, and then almost immediately canceling the post. It just isn’t working. Maybe because I feel like there are so many threads in my life that for the first time in awhile, I don’t feel comfortable talking about online. 

Like how I feel really fat. Which is stupid, but I guess I still have some body image issues. It’s kind of funny though. I realized today that I started eating normally again when either a) I stopped cooking for myself, and/or b) my husband and I separated. I also didn’t smoke a lot of weed anymore, which for whatever reason tends to suppress my appetite. So instead, I finally cleaned my room and then danced around like I haven’t done since I was in high school. 

Or like how my dad died. Which is okay, but it’s the first time someone close to me died. My grandparents all have, and close friends of a close friend have, but never someone that was an important part of my life. So it’s kind of funny how I can remember all these little things about him that always drove me crazy and now just make me sad. Whenever I was upset, especially with my mom, I’d crawl in his lap and cry. And at Christmas he’d take me to the bookstore and buy me whatever I wanted. I remember one year I got a set of philosophy books, and the next it was a set of comics. He never cared, just that it made me happy. When I was a kid, he’d pick me up from school and then take me back to his office at the church. I spent my childhood running around the altar and writing cuss words on the Sunday school chalkboards. And he’d stop at the gas station on the way home and buy me a soda, which I wasn’t allowed to have during the week. I found a letter he had written me after I got married. I’m glad I kept it. I’ve just never felt that emptiness before, and I know it will take awhile to adjust in a way that I never anticipated, and I’ve had over ten years to come to terms with it. He had such a big presence, and it’s gone now, and it will never be the same again. 

Or like how lonely I am in general. Not romantically, I’ve kind of lost interest lately. And sure, I have a lot of friends. But none of them are close. It’s just the really basic need to be understood by someone else, and I know that it’s my fault because I don’t let people get close to me anymore. See, I’m pretty weird and my mind works in unusual ways. I know most people say that, and most people are. But I’m very perceptive, and I grew up in a traditional, white conservative society, so I started noticing their reaction to me, and I guess it upset me because I didn’t understand why I was different. And since I couldn’t change that about myself, I withdrew so they couldn’t judge me anymore, and instead set out to observe human interaction. Over the years, through mimicking what I saw and testing out different approaches, I finally figured out how to have a conversation. Seriously, I was incredibly awkward until about 2 years ago. Most people think I’m shy, but it’s so much more than that. Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to think the way other people think, but ultimately, part of why I’m a loner is because I honestly prefer my own company. 

Or like how scared I am of everything falling apart again. 

Damn, being in Montgomery is not good for me.